It's OK

Every day I realize more and more what my limitations are and how different things affect me. Recently Mr. Wonderful and I were asked to help his brother and sister-in law move some furniture so they could put new flooring in. as they were all moving things around I wasn’t helping very much since my numb hand and such doesn’t allow for it but I started to feel guilty. I thought his family must think I’m lazy. Well at one point his sister needed help moving a coffee table just a few feet over so I jumped right on in to help! I don’t know if it was because the table was a bit heavier than I expected, the act of shuffling to the side which I know from my physical therapy I’m not very good at, or I would like to blame it on my cute strappy little sandals getting caught on  the carpet, but my hand gave away. I lost my balance, practically threw the table and myself right into the edge of it, leaving my knee very sore and bruised and my ego hurting worse. Everyone just stared at me. I panicked and stammered out, “it’s just my…stuff.” I don’t know why I didn’t just say I have MS. These people are practically family and I should not be embarrassed to tell them the truth but for some reason I didn’t. I think I just hate to seem whiny or like I’m using MS as a crutch.

While in Saratoga, during this weekend’s trip to Encampment Wyoming I had a bit of a meltdown. You know those obnoxious Snickers commercials with the burly construction workers or the cute young college co-eds and one of them is a grouchy old person who doesn’t seem to belong. Eventually they are handed the candy bar and told they don’t act like themselves when they get hungry, so they eat the snickers and that person turns “normal”? Well that is how I feel. I used to very rarely eat breakfast or lunch then would eat dinner and call it good. Now I’m finding if I don’t eat regularly it really affects me.

Now imagine you are in the grocery store in an aisle with a mom and her very cute 4 year old who is insisting they NEED the toy they just found. Mom keeps saying no and to put the toy away so they can finish shopping. After going back and forth a few times they 4y/o makes one last feeble attempting by planting herself right there in the middle of the floor refusing to move until she gets the toy! I feel like
I have taken lessons from that stubborn little kid deep down inside me once I get tired. It’s like hitting a wall. Like my temperature there isn’t much of a warning before I get to tired or too hot. I just hit that point and there is no turning back. I am just too tired to pick myself up off that store floor. Along with not wanting to move when I get tired, I lose my motor skills. The later at nigh it gets and the more tired I become the less my mouth seems to work. I tend to say things like, “Nood Gight” instead of Good Night and “I Ceed Noffee.” As well as my balance gets a little questionable. I’d make a drunk proud. When I get hot I feel like I can’t breathe and I’m going to pass out. It doesn’t take much heat to push me to this point, and once I’m there it take a lot to cool me down. Now add being hot, hungry, and tired all in one and I suggest you not talk to me because unfortunately my filter also goes.

 Now I know I have MS, I understand for the most part what that means, and have accepted it. There is no doubt in my mind that that this is true. In fact all of my tests were very clear. However, I have these occasional feelings of denial. Although I can track the disease back a few years it still feels like it came out of nowhere. It is hard to wrap your mind around it. Things I was doing just a few months ago I can no longer do. Previously on any given night you could find me sitting in the hot tub. I would be out there for hours. Now a measly 3 months later while in Saratoga I can’t even enjoy the mineral hot springs. I really wanted to go do some hiking over the weekend and that never happened either. Every day is a learning experience for me and those around me. What I really need to learn is to let it be ok. Be ok that I can’t do the things I used and handle simple things like running errands all day like I used to. It’s ok to say I need help and it’s ok to take it easy if it means putting my health first.