I always hated that saying,I thought it was cliche' and lame; until today.
Today I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS). Now I know this is not the end of my life or a death sentence or anything like that, however it does change a lot of things. This diagnosis didn't come as a shock to me, I was well prepared and educated in MS since the first point of that being a possibility. However that doesn't mean I'm any less scared. I am laying in bed with Mr. Wonderful snoring away next to me, and I can't help but worry about all the "what-ifs." Damn what-ifs will always ruin a good nights rest. So here is my list of what-ifs, in no particular order...
- What-if I can't walk down the aisle on my wedding day.
- What-if I can't dance ever again. (not that I'm good at it)
- What-if I am a horrible mom cause I'm too tired to play with my nonexistent babies.
- What-if I can't have a career. (I want to be an elementary school teacher)
- What-if I'm a burden to others.
- What-if I never go to church again.
- What-if I'm too tired to cook and bake.
- What-if I can't afford my medical bills.
- What-if my medications make me worse.
- What-if no one ever reads my silly blog.
I also wonder how this will effect my relationships with family and friends. Lucky for me my friends are few so that's not a big deal. However, I did post it on Facebook for all my closest acquaintances to see. I struggled with whether or not to post it for quite awhile. I didn't want to seem all "whoa is me," trust me, that "my thoughts and prayers are with you" gig got very old very quick. I also didn't want to keep who I am a secret, cause whether I like it or not this is now a part of who I am. It also seemed necessary to share, seeing as how I live in a small town and people already knew something was wrong due to me walking like a 90y/o everywhere I went. So alas, I made a post. I don't know if anyone will read it or care, but I thought long and hard how to phrase it so I didn't sound pitiful or dumb.
