That is exactly what I feel like I'm on: A roller coaster. I am coming on 3 weeks since I was diagnosed and have been more emotional then I was when I was a pubescent teen. I started out feeling a sense of relief and joy, just knowing I wasn't crazy was good news! I went from a hurry up and wait history with my doctor, to being at the hospital everyday for a new test or treatment. I began a 3 day regiment of steroid infusions (solu-medrol) the day after diagnosis and it was like a miracle drug. I was up and walking by the third day and beginning to feel functional again. I also started physical therapy right away and was told by my doctor I needed to research my drug options. I relished in being so busy. It allowed me to ignore the fact that I have MS.
Now that life has slowed down again I've had the chance to really let that sink in. It still sounds weird to say, like I'm speaking a foreign language when i say "I have MS." What does that mean? I understand what MS means in the physical aspect. I've done more research on that then i ever did towards my studies. But what does it mean to who I am? A day doesn't go by when i don't think about it, life seems to be a constant reminder. Its not any big struggles that i have problems with, it's the everyday little tasks i can't complete that constantly remind me: getting ready in the morning has become an event in itself, I'm usually too worn out to do my hair and make up. (i chopped my hair off because of this fact) I can't stay out late like a normal 22 year old unless i want to spend the whole next day in bed. Every time i find a new task i can no longer do, or do to my standards i feel like a part of the old molly dies and I'm forced to turn into this new person. Whats scary is i don't know who this new molly is going to be. I find myself laying awake at night wondering and crying when i should be resting.
Having MS makes me feel guilty. Guilty i can't live my life like my friends. I feel like I'm holding Mr. Wonderful back and it's unfair to him. I feel guilty to not be working, and being too tired to keep up on the household chores. then i feel guilty for feeling guilty. It is an awful cycle and I'm only 3 weeks in. What does my future hold?
Thinking of you and praying for you, Miss Molly.
ReplyDeleteYou can do this, Molly. From a nurse's perspective, rollercoaster emotions are normal because of so much anxiety and uncertainty, but there is also a biological aspect to that because of the disease and the medications. It changes the hormones. I don't know if that is helpful, but I feel better sometimes when there are reasons. There is nothing you did to deserve this, and nothing wrong with taking time to adjust. I know God knows your heart & can be there for you.
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